Coping with Loss: Inner Pain
Eighteen months ago, I received news that shook me to my core. In a moment, I went from a hopeful type of person to someone who felt shattered so deeply that I spent the next year trying to find a reason to live. Where I had previously believed in the notion of finding love and compassion in any given situation, my mind transformed to an outlook that there was no good in this world.
The first year adjusting to my new life, I fought the thoughts and feelings that the encounter evoked in my mind. I questioned if I would ever be okay again. I prayed and pleaded. I surrendered only for ego to resurface. I cried, I raged, and then I finally settled into an acceptance of that which I cannot control.
Eighteen months later, I can say I am a changed person from the incident. That the way I had to explore within to try to make sense of the world after such a loss…I have grown. For that, I am tremendously grateful.
Today, I received similar news. My mind did not immediately go to the pain that I knew the event could elicit, but to the fact of how so much of my growth has come from better learning to love myself. With this, my pressing thought was more in line with self-preservation and focusing in on my own emotional toolkit to make sure I do not fall into what I know is a detrimental (and extremely painful) cycle. I knew that “calm” was a state of mind that is essential for me.
A few minutes ago, I came in from my balcony where I had sat for about an hour. I took the time to put names to my emotions… frustration, pain, anger, and grief were in that list. I kept mind on what good could possibly arise from the situation, also walking myself through worst case scenarios to make sure I was prepared for whatever may come from today’s news.
There was slight questioning of if I am strong enough now, if I am far enough along in understanding how I need to care for my own well-being that this would not knock me over mentally. I concluded that if the last years have taught me anything, it is that I am resilient. I have a will, and in caring for myself, I will always find a way.
Many years ago, I recognized the need for faith. In a power outside of myself, and of my own power within. The word determined comes to mind in how I view my life now. Through newly discovered empowerment, I appreciate that I hold my own authority in how I allow pain to flow into and process through my experience. In that, I believe that new journeys do not have to be repeats of past transgressions. For the most part, we make our own choices in life. I choose to live in the actuality that I hold the capability to thrive no matter the challenge.
May peace and healthy self-love be your guide,
Stephanie @ Finding Point
06/15/2021
