A Personal Struggle With Shame and Guilt
Shame is a terrible feeling that can shake you to your core and limit your ability to reach your highest potential. I am working diligently to stop "guilting" myself, but am coming to realize that in this, I also need to recognize my deep-seated feelings of inadequacy that developed within as a child. As well as the anxiety that often perks it's head in moments of overwhelm.
I grew up in a household where life was very scary at times, often dangerously scary. It regularly seemed like no matter where I went, I could not find safety. Living with constant insecurity, especially in those earlier life years, can be devastating on ones psyche. I'm not sure if I somehow felt responsible, but I do know that I felt like I was never good enough and that followed me well into adulthood. In the past, I would try to control events or others in an effort to feel safe; I later came to realize that this was because I felt so powerless inside myself.
I have since released control (in levels) to a deeper faith and a healthier way of thinking, but still live with a foreboding that my lingering internalization of guilt turned to shame will formalize. I am working through grief of not being where I would like to be in my career and financially, my health and failures when it comes to romance, and in my abilities as a mother; I feel shame that I am simply not good enough.
I also know that I have made many positive changes, that I have helped others in ways that have altered their life for the better. I don't doubt my inherent worth as an individual, but don’t know how to show that to myself in my internal interactions and external boundaries. I regularly have to remind myself that my past mistakes were just that, mistakes. That they do not define who I am now, or the possibilities in my future. I focus love on the pains others have directed at me in the past, and to my own shortcomings, which are yet many. I am human, and in this being human, I make mistakes. Life goes on. I do the my best with what I have in any given moment. This is all anyone can do.
A special thank you to Erika Leibrandt who wrote this article I read recently: "A Letter to my 22 Year Old Self".
In her passage, this quote stood out to me:
"You will heal, you will break, and you will heal again. You will live a good life and you will be strong and honorable." - Erika L.
(Shame & Guilt: Original Publication - 12/31/2015)
Retrospective update 09/07/2026: I wrote this over 10 years ago, early on in my healing journey. As I read it again today, I could “feel” the differences within myself between then and now. Perfectly imperfect, I feel in such a better place mentally, physically, and emotionally since this articles original publication. The ebb and flow is there, but the me within has learned to handle life with greater adaptability. I do sometimes feel guilt, and allow that to guide my direction. And every once in a while, the old conditioning that tells me I’m not good enough (shame) does peek in. But I now quickly recognize it for the delusion that it is. For these changes the last 10 years, I am grateful.
Note: As clarification… Guilt is a natural feeling that lets us know when we make a mistake. People make mistakes and this is our cue to do things differently or better in the future. Shame is when guilt becomes an attack on who we are as a person. Shame needlessly hurts where guilt brings awareness. You, as an individual, have inherent worth. Period. No matter your mistake, you do matter.
May you treat life with kindness,
Stephanie @ Finding Point
